The circumstances of our lives are projections of what we focus on and what we believe. But often what we have called to us doesn't seem to be what we think we want. We may look at our lives and say "I didn't want it to be like this." The reason this happens is because we are unconscious to the laws of the Universe - in particular the law of attraction. I don't know if I've ever seen a more misunderstood law.
Your unconscious relationship to the immutable law of attraction happens because you have likely been avoiding responsibility for what is showing up in your life while simultaneously giving your power away. This is an unintended and unfortunate consequence of misguided parenting. Many people grow up with parents who teach blame rather than power. This happens when something goes “wrong” and the parent shames and guilts the child by blaming them – telling them they are “bad”, “naughty” or “should be ashamed”. So by the time you reach adulthood, taking responsibility for the “negative” things that show up triggers deep unconscious fears of being bad, naughty, getting "in trouble" and feeling shame and guilt.
It would be so much more helpful if children were taught power and responsibility instead. True empowerment and responsibility teaches kids to acknowledge accountability for their actions, words and thoughts – empowering them to use their power rather than give it away. In teaching empowerment kids learn quickly how they can use their power for positive outcomes and they do not shy away from holding themselves accountable for less desirable outcomes.
People often ask me how they can stop giving their power away. The first thing is to realize how and when you are doing it. Here's an example. I have a client who has made incredible strides in reclaiming her power, with the exception of a particular relationship with a former partner. This partner has done some shady things and they are in the middle of a difficult challenge. She would say things like “I can’t wait until I don’t have to deal with him anymore”, and “I am so tired of him doing this to me”, “I don’t know what I am going to do I have to wait to see what he does”. I pointed out to her that these statements are reflections of a deep belief that he has some kind of power over her. But the only way someone can have power over you is if you give it to them. Once we looked at the actual language she was using and how that reflected her deep-seated beliefs about who controls her life, she was able to quickly change it.
So what can you do if you look around at the events, circumstances and people showing up in your life and that does not reflect the life you envision for yourself? There are four steps you can take to reclaim power and responsibility.
STEP ONE: Accept everything that shows up for you as something you attracted. If you were taught blame and guilt and shame instead of accountability and empowerment, no worries. You can teach it to yourself right now. Anytime a consequence shows up that seems “negative” tell yourself “ok, I attracted this. I accept that I used my power in a way that focused on the negative, or in a way that gave my power to someone else to create a negative outcome. That’s great news because if I attracted this crap unintentionally, imagine how many amazing things I will attract once I focus on what I want instead of what I don’t want!”
This first step raises your consciousness and allows you to work in a more favorable way with the law of attraction.
STEP TWO: Note your responses to situations and what emotional triggers you reacted to. Here’s an example: Let’s say you have a conversation with your boyfriend about money and it turns into an argument. Pay attention to the thoughts that were in your head before the conversation started and during it. There is a high chance that past conversations about money with your boyfriend dissolved into arguing, and so you had that already pre-loaded as an expectation in your mind before you even spoke. So with your expectation that the present would act like the past, the loving universe complied and created a present that matched your expectation. Also note if your boyfriend presses triggers from childhood like “you are so irresponsible with money”, or “you will never have a lot of money”, or “I refuse to discuss money with you”. You are triggered by the emotions that tie in to beliefs instilled in your childhood about money. When you feel these emotions arise you are likely to respond defensively. Remember, just because the boyfriend makes those statements does not make them true. They weren’t truths when your parents said them and they aren’t truths now. They were mere reflections of your parents’ own misaligned relationship with money being projected onto you. You accepted and adopted them as truths, and they now form a deep belief system. Pull yourself out by saying to yourself – I will not react to this. These emotions may arise and I will let them pass.
The more you do this the quicker you will be free of those projections.
Here’s another example. Let’s say you call your mother to tell her the good news that you are quitting your job to pursue acting full time. Before you call her you brace yourself because your mother is a narcissist. In living with a narcissist for so many years you already “know” what her predictable response will be. You envision how it will quickly turn around to become a conversation about her, how you are disappointing her, how you will not be able to support her in her old age, how she doesn’t know what she did wrong to raise such a foolish child. So you have all of this pre-loaded in your mind before you call her and you also have the trauma-induced repertoire of responses ready to go (living with a narcissist creates a form of PTSD that requires healing, a topic for another post). Shortly after the conversation begins, you start defending yourself, she berates you, blames you, and before you know it, you are sitting on your living room couch in a pile of guilt, shame, blame and feeling unworthy. The universe once again delivered for you the experience that resonated with your thoughts and your expectations.
Once you notice these patterns you start to gain true awareness of the process and how it happens day in and day out. Awareness alone will begin to shift your mindset.
STEP THREE: Proactively focus on desired outcomes. The next time you call your mother or have that conversation about money with your boyfriend focus on owning your power, speaking your truth, staying away from justifying yourself and instead envision peaceful relations. Even in the midst of the conversation if the other person does something that hits an emotional trigger simply notice it and continue projecting peace. This step may take time and practice because the neural pathways in the brain are already trained to go to the negative when these situations arise. Be vigilant.
STEP FOUR: Relax. When you trust in the Universe and have patience, things will unfold with beautiful synchronicity and you will experience the right people, places, opportunities and circumstances that will support the blossoming of your best life. Your ego wants things done in a certain way and in a certain time frame, but the true source of your power accepts Divine Timing.
The ultimate responsibility for how your life unfolds is yours alone…not your mom and dad, your spouse, your religion, God, your kids, your aunt Martha or anyone else. The sooner you reclaim your power and accept responsibility for your life – the sooner your life will be a reflection of what you consciously desire rather than what you unconsciously attract.
And remember power is not force. Where force is ego true power rests in surrender. Focus on a vision for your life and then give it up to the Divine in full and complete surrender. Surrender requires you to trust and have faith that the laws of the Universe will do what they do and that there is no angry God, no one is out to punish you, you are worthy, you are deserving of a beautiful life, you are not “less than”, or “less deserving” than anyone else, and you are not a little child who is being blamed, guilted and shamed.
You are a beautiful light-filled being here on this earth to experience all that this magnificent experience of humanness has to offer. Love and Aloha, Liana