On Father’s Day, I knew it would be important to write about Fathers and the Divine Masculine from my own personal experience of being a mother to a son (and a magnificent daughter as well), partner of an amazing man connected fully with his Divine Masculine and his Divine Feminine, and daughter of (as you often read about here) the most incredible father – whose entire life serves as an example of what it means to embody the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine.
I have been surrounded by amazing men almost my entire life. I knew friends who had an alcoholic father, some drug addicted fathers, and a number who left their families and children. Others had fathers who were physically abusive, cheaters, and dishonest. Others who seemed “great” were emotionally unavailable. I always had friends who were shocked that my dad would spend 2-3—4 hours at a time listening to me, speaking with me, and sharing wisdom and guidance being fully emotionally present. Ours was always the house where we had sleepovers, parties, prom parties, pow-wows and so much more. All of my friends wanted to be around my parents, to be in our home, and to feel the love that was so unconditionally given.
My father spent time with me 365 days a year my entire life until I went to college. But even through my graduate education, my father was there for me, either in person or by phone, often daily. My father told me since I was able to talk, that women held the true power. That men are afraid of a woman’s power, and so they would use oppression and force to keep themselves feeling strong. He explained to me how inherently, the power of creation is within the woman, and men desperately want to understand, know and be a part of this. He also taught me of the intelligence, success, and power that women have when they are aware of it.
Over the past 11 years with my partner, raising two children together, homeschooling, facing illness and death in our families, Alzheimer’s of a parent, surgery, massive career shifts, traveling the world, moving, and many more intense challenges and joys in these past 11 years, I can say that what my father gave me in his fatherhood, was activation of my own ability to be a fully conscious woman, mother and partner. My mother gave me a tremendous amount as well, in showing me as a woman that we can be strong while also embracing our beauty, and that we can express ourselves in whatever way feels most authentic. But in a world where there is a massive lack of true fathering, a dearth of the Divine Male, my father’s fathering is carrying on its legacy even in my ability to have lovingly guided my twin flame into stepping into his ability to be a fully conscious father as well.
So in a world where oppression by the patriarchy has ruled the planet for the past 3500 years, I have lived for 45 years in an almost alternate universe. One in which men are amazing, where men are incredible, they are loving, caring, nurturing, stable, and present in every moment. Don’t get me wrong. In both of my former careers, both of which were male-dominated, I have had many many encounters with the unevolved male. The sexist male. The misogynist male. The alcoholic male. But I don’t blame men. Of course I don’t blame women either. What we are experiencing in humanity is a disconnection to our Divine. A lack of unconditional love for ourselves and others. A distrust in each other.
What I see so clearly in so many men is a little boy. A little boy wanting one thing: to be loved. A little boy whose mommy did not love him unconditionally. A little boy who may have been genitally mutilated as an infant, his mom willingly giving her precious baby to the hands of someone who would strap him down to a board and cut his sexual organs with a knife. A little boy whose father wasn’t present emotionally or even physically. A father who criticized and condemned his son for “not being man enough”, or a father who was weak and subservient to the mother. ALL of this matters. ALL of this is reason for what we see in the world today. The more aggressive and oppressive and shut down emotionally the male, the more wounded, sad, and distressed is his little boy inside.
What I also see in men is the concept Allan Hardman calls the “Impotent Hero”. He says that when you ask most men who taught him how to be a man, they almost always say “dad, grandpa, Uncle etc…” But then, a deeper truth emerges: "My dad wasn't around much," or "Dad left when I was six," or "My dad was an alcoholic." Hardman continues by saying that with deeper exploration, most men are surprised to discover that it was not their fathers who taught them what it means to be a man, but their mothers.
The message received from their mothers is often, "Don't be like your Dad." The message might have been delivered overtly, when mom was left home alone, feeling abandoned and afraid. But in a more subtle way in some families, where the son observes that mom is unhappy, he receives the message on a subtle level. This is the mom who has sacrificed too much of herself for the marriage, and feels unfulfilled.
In either case, the young boy feels his mom’s pain and does not have to go too far to identify dad as the one hurting mom. The strong message that gets internalized is “men hurt women”. Even in a family where the mom carries more masculine message, and the dad feels weak and disempowered (common in a number of families too), the message is exactly the same “the masculine oppresses and harms the feminine”.
The young boy wants to save and help his mother, but soon realizes he is impotent to do so. His power is no match for his father’s and he therefore is helpless. These boys grow up to be men, and as men, they go into life and relationships feeling that “I am male and males hurt women” and “I need to save and rescue women, but I actually can’t, I’m impotent to that”. As a result, most men feel defective from within, fully unable to live up to anyone’s expectations.
It’s a powerful dynamic that causes many women to play the role of damsel in distress, and to remain that way for fear that if she becomes empowered, her man will leave her. And in many cases, he will. He will go out in search of a new damsel in distress, because he will feel fully useless and impotent in the face of a TRULY empowered female. He can’t save her, she needs no saving. Very few men (or women) are aware of this drama being acted out in relationships around the world, but in honor of men and Father’s Day today, I wanted to share these words with you all in the hopes that these types of truthful conversations can begin to awaken us to our true Divine power within.
As women, the most important thing is to become empowered in our Divine Feminine AND Masculine. As mothers of boys, the most important thing is to nurture, love unconditionally, and allow our boys to FEEL, to cry, to be fully in touch with their Divine Feminine AND their Divine Masculine. To teach them by showing them we are empowered, we do not need saving, and we are in coherence with the men in our lives. And as women, lovers and partners, our role is to seek out partners who are willing to address these very real truths and who have a deep desire to be in balance, and a willingness to do the work to achieve it.