Ashana Kaiulani @ashanakaiulani
I didn’t know how to function in the world as an adult.
At 29 years old, I had given birth to 7 kids, seen 2 marriages through to the end, been to college for 7+ years, and ticked off all the little boxes I needed to accomplish to look like a “proper adult.”
I was also enrolled in long term therapy (since about 5 years old, on and off), I had taken a dozen different drugs for my various “diagnosed mental health issues,” and I drank regularly. Like a fish. Every weekend like clockwork. It was the only time I felt like I had fun.
I have notes saved in my phone, jotting down my anguish in bits and pieces over the years, never quite able to place the root of my turmoil but knowing in my bones that something just wasn’t right.
I didn’t feel like an adult. I felt like a little girl, sometimes a baby, lost, adrift at sea and barely hanging onto the side of the boat. Most of the time I felt like I was just drowning slowly.
I couldn’t regulate my emotions whatsoever- I would swing from feeling accomplished and “happy” when I succeeded in a work goal or posted something funny on social media, to sad and lonely when my husband didn’t know how to give me the attention I needed, to angry and short tempered when my kids acted like kids and I didn’t know how to handle it.
For a moment I dipped into the New Age movement, focusing on tarot and pendulums and spirit readings. I was desperately searching for something bigger than myself. Someone to tell me what to do. I knew I needed help, but wasn’t really sure where to look.
Liana Shanti came up in my Instagram feed at some point — I’m still not sure exactly when or how, or what the first thing I saw was. But I thank God for that day. I followed her and her stories kept popping up on my feed. So I watched. Eventually I screenshotted. And to be honest I thankfully got a little bit of fomo when people would share stories of healing their Mother Wound and Father Wound.
I started with her program Healing from Narcissistic Relationships.. I gobbled it up. Suddenly a light was shone on my entire childhood. I felt seen and heard for the first time in my life. Next was MW. That one ripped me open. My abandonment wound had kept me from ever feeling safe or secure. I was a constant victim.
This year has been the first time I have been able to FULLY connect with my kids without feeling over stimulated or guilty. I’ve been able to face my fears head on and call them out — knowing that I have the strength and the ability to protect myself from them and banish them once and for all.
Next came FW and the realization that l had been a victim of emotional abuse my entire life. No wonder I couldn’t function.
I learned how to speak more kindly to myself and show patience and grace. What a huge change in my life!
I have done nearly all of Liana’s programs now, and I continue to circle back to them as the layers fall more open. I have never felt more secure and grounded in my life. For the first time, I feel like I have a foundation to stand on, and it’s so empowering to know that I hold that space within myself. I’m not looking to anyone on the outside to provide it for me.
I feel like an adult instead of a little kid wandering through life, afraid of everything. I can’t even put into words how much that means to me. There were times I felt like I would die soon from the anxiety and the results of my self hatred.
I am so grateful that I found Liana, and that she led me back to trusting Jesus. Without that trust, which my parents never modeled for me so I didn’t have it within myself, i was never going to be able to succeed in life or find any true happiness. I never felt like I deserved it or could achieve it. I would have always fulfilled that belief that I was a victim and a failure. I have finally opened my eyes to the fact that I am worthy, and that is the greatest gift that you could ever give someone. Words can’t even describe how priceless it is that Liana has made these programs for us💗🥰